by: Chuck Lunsford
You might think twice before allowing a dog to give you a big wet kiss if you know what I know. I also want to apologize in advance to all dog lovers. I remain an admirer of dogs, just from a distance where my face is out of reach of their over-exuberant tongues.
As a child growing up in the boonies of Alabama we had a succession of dogs, some memorable and some I'd rather forget. One thing they all had in common is a trait all dogs everywhere participate in with gusto, one in which prevents me to this day from allowing a dog anywhere near my mouth.
Early on in life, while still blissfully unaware, I had no qualms in allowing the current family's dog the liberty of indulging itself in a round of good-natured face-licking. After all this is for most people one of the most endearing aspect of canine ownership, letting the mutt shower them with doggie kisses for as long as the dogs owner could stand it. The pooch thinks it is showing its owner the proper display of submissive behavior and affection and believe me when I tell you that a dog will slobber all over you as long as you allow it.
As I said before, my early years were spent in blissful unawareness of Fido's hygienic tendencies. Thinking about that very aspect of doggie behavior today brings back the gag reflex I experienced when I finally discovered, far too late unfortunately, how the mutt went about its daily ablutions.
The dog we had at the time, if I recall, was a stray that sort of drifted in one day and decided to stay and see which way the wind blew. I saw him as companion for my many explorations back into the hills and ridges of the Appalachians. To give credit where credit is due I will say that dog was a champion walker. He would accompany me as long and as far as I asked him too.
Now to the gist of this story. I remember it was a scorching hot August day. One of those kind of days where the air was thick and hard to breath. Anyway I was lounging on the front porch, enjoying a cold drink, and not paying attention to anything in particular. A movement caught my eye and I saw our dog coming down the road towards the house, returning from who knows what type of foray. About a block from the property I saw him stop suddenly and peer intently at something at his feet. Then he eased himself down onto the ground and started rolling around on his back, legs flailing the air, tongue lolling out, and appearing to be in a state of puppy bliss. Needless to say this aroused my attention. I stood up and wandered over to see what had gotten the dog all excited. Was there such a thing as dognip?
Arriving on the scene my eyes were met with the disgusting spectacle of the dog rolling in the partially decomposed remains of some poor creature that wasn't able to dodge fast enough. The way the dog was carrying on you would have thought he had discovered the next greatest scent guaranteed to sweep the lady dogs off their feet. He spent a good ten minutes covering every square inch of his body with the essence of the carcass. He even belly-crawled over it a few times just to make sure no spot was missed.
Once he completed this gruesome task he stood up, shook himself off, gave me a sideways glance, and headed for the porch. I stood there in shock for a second, barely able to believe what I had just witnessed. Finally gathering my wits about me I decided it would be prudent to put as much distance between me and the dog as possible. My plan was to casually walk by him (holding my breath of course), enter the front door, and escape quietly out the back door and make for the hills as fast as my legs would carry me for the remainder of the day. My reasoning was if I was several miles away I wouldn't have to put up with the smell and best of all one of the other kids would have to give the dog a bath once the rest of the family caught wind of it.
Just about when I put my hand on the door handle to let myself in I noticed the dog engaged in yet another of the favorite pastimes of dogs everywhere. He had commenced licking himself over every inch of his body that he could reach. My stomach started doing flip-flops because I knew where he had been less than a minute prior, but for some unknown reason I was transfixed. I could not walk away. Some morbid part of me wanted to see just how far and how long this dog would go with this spectacle.
For a good half hour I bore witness as this dog slurped himself from stem to stern, spending an inordinate amount of time in the stern area if you get my meaning. With disgust and fascination I watched the whole gruesome process, sitting down at some point to see if it would help the nausea I felt coming on.
Once his ablutions were over he licked his chops as if he had just finished a choice sirloin, set his sights on me, and before I could react, pounced towards me with a twinkle in his eye and a bounce in his step. Upon later reflection I finally reasoned he wanted to thank me for "sharing" the experience by offering me some of that love and affection dogs are famous for.
Instinct took over at that point and I engaged in a hasty retreat, crab-walking backwards with the dog getting ever closer, intent on showering me with attention. I stumbled slightly and he saw this as his chance. He lunged at my face with his mouth open and his tongue ready to give me the love and affection he felt I deserved as his master.
Things moved pretty much in a blur at this point which is understandable considering the speed in which I moved. I vaguely remember attempting to pull my head down between my shoulders like a turtle to prevent direct contact while at the same time levitating myself to the porch railing, just barely escaping the dog and his cesspool of a mouth.
Realizing he had missed his chance he looked a little contrite and hurt that I should deny him what he felt was his righteous duty. Between a fit of hyper-gagging and impaired vision brought on by the fumes emanating wafting about the porch I managed to warn him off and escaped into the house.
After awhile I calmed myself down and started thinking about my previous escape plan and the possibility of putting it into action while I still could when I was overcome with a sudden sense of dread. I suddenly remembered that the previous day I had allowed this same dog, the very one who had just spent almost an hour in the most revolting display I had ever witnessed, kiss me square on the mouth.
I wont go into what happened next other than to say it took me about a week, three giant tubes of toothpaste, and a couple of king-sized bottles of Listerine before I got the taste out of my mouth.
Think about it folks. You might want to reconsider if PoochyPoo and his dog bad breath want to share with you where his tongue has been just before he came over to give you a smack on the lips.
Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes
by: Rahul Roy
If you visit Indian and some neighboring countries of it, you’ll hear lots of bone tickling jokes. And among all funny and humorous jokes you’ll certainly hear Sardar jokes. These Sardar are the residents of Punjab (one of the state of India), they are famous for their jokes which are very humorous.
It is hard to locate when the first Sardar jokes was said or who was the first one to say those jokes but the jokes regarding them are still very famous as they were in the past. People enjoy Sardar jokes more rather than other jokes.
In these jokes the behavior of Sardar are reflected in humorous manner so that they sound funny and create laughter. You might be wondering as what are these Sardar jokes… Here are of the latest Sardar jokes:
Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa Singh were standing together . An Englishman came up and asked, “Hey guys, what is your favorite flower?”
The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’
‘Ha, I clean my shit with that!’ the Englishman jeered.
The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower.
The Muslim replied: “Chameli”
‘Ha I clean my shit with that!’ The Englishman response
The Muslim also got angry but kept quite.
The Englishman asked Santa, ‘Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower?’
Patriotic Santa replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “Now clean your ass with that!”
-----------------------
Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: “What are you searching for?”
Santa Singh: “Hidden camera!”
Jasmeet: “And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?”
Santa Singh: “That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, you are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”
-----------------------
Banta Singh wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says: Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.
The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?”
Sardar says, well put “You are not getting older”, at the top and “You are getting better” at the bottom.
The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
“You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottom”.
-----------------------
These were some of the funny latest Sardar jokes. You can find a huge collection of these jokes on web. These jokes are really a good opener of laughter. So if you are lonely and bored, don‘t hesitate to find some latest Sardar jokes on web and have fun reading them.
If you visit Indian and some neighboring countries of it, you’ll hear lots of bone tickling jokes. And among all funny and humorous jokes you’ll certainly hear Sardar jokes. These Sardar are the residents of Punjab (one of the state of India), they are famous for their jokes which are very humorous.
It is hard to locate when the first Sardar jokes was said or who was the first one to say those jokes but the jokes regarding them are still very famous as they were in the past. People enjoy Sardar jokes more rather than other jokes.
In these jokes the behavior of Sardar are reflected in humorous manner so that they sound funny and create laughter. You might be wondering as what are these Sardar jokes… Here are of the latest Sardar jokes:
Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa Singh were standing together . An Englishman came up and asked, “Hey guys, what is your favorite flower?”
The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’
‘Ha, I clean my shit with that!’ the Englishman jeered.
The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower.
The Muslim replied: “Chameli”
‘Ha I clean my shit with that!’ The Englishman response
The Muslim also got angry but kept quite.
The Englishman asked Santa, ‘Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower?’
Patriotic Santa replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “Now clean your ass with that!”
-----------------------
Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: “What are you searching for?”
Santa Singh: “Hidden camera!”
Jasmeet: “And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?”
Santa Singh: “That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, you are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”
-----------------------
Banta Singh wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says: Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.
The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?”
Sardar says, well put “You are not getting older”, at the top and “You are getting better” at the bottom.
The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:
“You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottom”.
-----------------------
These were some of the funny latest Sardar jokes. You can find a huge collection of these jokes on web. These jokes are really a good opener of laughter. So if you are lonely and bored, don‘t hesitate to find some latest Sardar jokes on web and have fun reading them.
Drive Away The Monotony--Discover The Joy Of Fun Sites
by: Diana Daniels
Tired after a long day at work? Bored with nothing to do? Cheer up and log on to fun sites. Funny pictures, videos, humor, jokes, puzzles, games -you'll find everything packed in these sites that will instantly lighten your mood. You can spend away hours at these sites soaking in all the fun. Fun sites work as great stress-busters offering unadulterated amusement.
In the hectic, packed schedules of the day with deadlines to meet, projects to complete, it is refreshing and relaxing to slip in a bit of breather in the form of browsing fun sites for games humor, etc. Or when you are whiling away your time, with nothing to occupy you, fun sites are a great way to spend time. Fun sites come in a number of categories catering to children and adults.
Fun sites provide games, cartoons, funny pictures and videos, puzzles, and lots of other stuff that will amuse and entertain. There are humor videos to tickle the funny bones-from amusing home videos to funny situations captured on tape. People love watching these videos as they give them mirth and joy. Humor is one all encompassing quality that connects us all. Users can create their own accounts at these sites and upload videos and pictures for thousands to share. There are thousands of funny pictures, cartoons to browse through that are sure to elicit hearty laughter. The simple visual appeal of these pictures and videos make these sites so popular.
Users can also chose to play a variety of online games like shooting games, racing games, arcade games, puzzle games and many more. Become a race car driver or shoot aliens, play alone or compete with other players-exciting and appealing once you are hooked on to these games, your spare times will become so much more enjoyable .If one is looking for a little bit of brain stimulation they can opt to solve puzzles or answer riddles which is also provided by these sites and find them a delightful way to pass time. Owing to their immense popularity, hordes of fun sites are now available over the net and users are spoilt for choices.
It is said laughter is the best medicine--a healthy dose of laughter drives away the blues and keeps our minds refreshed and rejuvenated. In the hectic pace of daily life, it is a lesson often hard to follow. But with fun sites it becomes easier to bring back the laughter and humor in our lives. Be it playing online games, watching humor videos, flipping through funny pictures or solving puzzles, driving away boredom is just one mouse-click away.
Tired after a long day at work? Bored with nothing to do? Cheer up and log on to fun sites. Funny pictures, videos, humor, jokes, puzzles, games -you'll find everything packed in these sites that will instantly lighten your mood. You can spend away hours at these sites soaking in all the fun. Fun sites work as great stress-busters offering unadulterated amusement.
In the hectic, packed schedules of the day with deadlines to meet, projects to complete, it is refreshing and relaxing to slip in a bit of breather in the form of browsing fun sites for games humor, etc. Or when you are whiling away your time, with nothing to occupy you, fun sites are a great way to spend time. Fun sites come in a number of categories catering to children and adults.
Fun sites provide games, cartoons, funny pictures and videos, puzzles, and lots of other stuff that will amuse and entertain. There are humor videos to tickle the funny bones-from amusing home videos to funny situations captured on tape. People love watching these videos as they give them mirth and joy. Humor is one all encompassing quality that connects us all. Users can create their own accounts at these sites and upload videos and pictures for thousands to share. There are thousands of funny pictures, cartoons to browse through that are sure to elicit hearty laughter. The simple visual appeal of these pictures and videos make these sites so popular.
Users can also chose to play a variety of online games like shooting games, racing games, arcade games, puzzle games and many more. Become a race car driver or shoot aliens, play alone or compete with other players-exciting and appealing once you are hooked on to these games, your spare times will become so much more enjoyable .If one is looking for a little bit of brain stimulation they can opt to solve puzzles or answer riddles which is also provided by these sites and find them a delightful way to pass time. Owing to their immense popularity, hordes of fun sites are now available over the net and users are spoilt for choices.
It is said laughter is the best medicine--a healthy dose of laughter drives away the blues and keeps our minds refreshed and rejuvenated. In the hectic pace of daily life, it is a lesson often hard to follow. But with fun sites it becomes easier to bring back the laughter and humor in our lives. Be it playing online games, watching humor videos, flipping through funny pictures or solving puzzles, driving away boredom is just one mouse-click away.
How To Cope When You Are Surrounded By Idiots
by: Ben Goode
Are the idiots in your life driving you crazy? Do you often feel like you are surrounded by idiots? Have you ever wondered if YOU are an idiot? Do the idiotic C.Y.A. instructions on the packaging of most products you buy these days make you feel like the world must think you are an idiot?
The following article contains lessons on stupidity. They cover things you should pretty much never do. There are many, many more lessons we could add, such as not floating face down in the septic tank or not applying your own tattoo with a wood burner and lead-based house paint, but these are normally material for a post-graduate stupidity course. You probably shouldn't attempt to comprehend these high-level concepts until you have mastered the more basic skills.
Experience has shown that the louder you yell the principle to the idiot pupil in question the better the procedure works. (OK, a little honesty here would probably be good. The truth is, shouting the lessons probably won't have much of an effect on the idiot, because as we all know, he/she is an idiot, but it will probably make you feel a little better).
Here are a few suggestions that could change your life if you are someone who is struggling with idiots in your life. If you are an idiot, try to find someone to read these principles to you and then apply them. If you are surrounded by idiots or if you have a loved one who has idiotic tendencies, you will probably want to teach these principles to the idiots in your life. You never know. It might just help.
1. You should never try to lick the bottom of the blender while the blades are still turning.
2. Never drink quarts of vinegar while eating boxes of baking soda.
3. Never clean up nitro-glycerin or unstable nuclear waste with a vacuum cleaner.
4. Never let friends hit you over the head with a baseball bat unless you are wearing a good helmet.
5. Never adjust your TV antenna during a lightening storm.
6. You shouldn't smoke while siphoning gasoline.
7. Don't microwave dynamite.
8. Never dry your hair with a blow torch.
9. Never pick your scabs while swimming with sharks.
10. Never hang glide during a hurricane.
Are the idiots in your life driving you crazy? Do you often feel like you are surrounded by idiots? Have you ever wondered if YOU are an idiot? Do the idiotic C.Y.A. instructions on the packaging of most products you buy these days make you feel like the world must think you are an idiot?
The following article contains lessons on stupidity. They cover things you should pretty much never do. There are many, many more lessons we could add, such as not floating face down in the septic tank or not applying your own tattoo with a wood burner and lead-based house paint, but these are normally material for a post-graduate stupidity course. You probably shouldn't attempt to comprehend these high-level concepts until you have mastered the more basic skills.
Experience has shown that the louder you yell the principle to the idiot pupil in question the better the procedure works. (OK, a little honesty here would probably be good. The truth is, shouting the lessons probably won't have much of an effect on the idiot, because as we all know, he/she is an idiot, but it will probably make you feel a little better).
Here are a few suggestions that could change your life if you are someone who is struggling with idiots in your life. If you are an idiot, try to find someone to read these principles to you and then apply them. If you are surrounded by idiots or if you have a loved one who has idiotic tendencies, you will probably want to teach these principles to the idiots in your life. You never know. It might just help.
1. You should never try to lick the bottom of the blender while the blades are still turning.
2. Never drink quarts of vinegar while eating boxes of baking soda.
3. Never clean up nitro-glycerin or unstable nuclear waste with a vacuum cleaner.
4. Never let friends hit you over the head with a baseball bat unless you are wearing a good helmet.
5. Never adjust your TV antenna during a lightening storm.
6. You shouldn't smoke while siphoning gasoline.
7. Don't microwave dynamite.
8. Never dry your hair with a blow torch.
9. Never pick your scabs while swimming with sharks.
10. Never hang glide during a hurricane.
How and When To Make Humour at Work!
by: Lionel Estridge
A good laugh will do wonders for you as smiling and laughing lowers your stress levels, wins you a friendly reputation, and helps your usually tense co-workers and bosses to relax.
Humour on the job will do a lot for your career, but there are a number of things you need to know about laughter and humour in the place of work.
Feeling good and having humour in our lives can do wonders for our position and productivity, which means that there is definitely a place for some humour on the job. Having a smiling face will help your co-workers and supervisors feel better being around you, and you may well end up reaping rewards by laughing more in the workplace. But you need to know how to apply humour in your work environment.
Laughing has been proven to be a huge stress reliever, letting you feel better and becoming more productive. To be able to loosen up and have some fun is great, so why not take that approach to work each day and lighten up around the work place? Smiling can make your job easier, more than ever if you work in customer service or sales. But there's certainly a right and incorrect way to use humour in the workplace.
One of the main rules with humour in the workplace is to avoid controversy when you are joking on the job. Stay well away from joking about political affairs, race and religion.
Sex is another unsafe topic because of sexual harassment in the workplace. Make sure that you stay well within the lines of decency.
Never make fun at other people within your organization, as you are trying to win friends with the people you work with, and not set against them. If you can't help yourself, please be extremely careful.
Poking fun at the work you do or the industry you work in is a good way to earn some smiles from your co-workers and supervisors. While these types of workplace jokes may not be so funny at home or with friends, as they really don't appreciate the pressures of your employment, the people who are around you in your job will definitely appreciate the humour about their frustrations and will be able to laugh over the situations instead of complaining.
Making jokes about the ups and downs of your trade is a safe way to add wit to the place of work. You will have the benefit of knowing precisely what your co-workers have to face each and every day, and it's much better as it helps to let go of tensions and lower stress levels by getting them to chuckle about the situations they come across frequently.
The very best time for some humour is when you are not working, but still in the region of the people you work with, such as a coffee or lunch break. You can also make an effort to be funny on the job, but when you are working, it's a good idea to use jokes much more thinly than you would normally do.
In general, humour in the workplace is a superb area to flex your creative muscles and give your job a little boost.
Humour in the workplace helps stress levels to drop, and your co-workers will feel better about working with you. Start gradually, and add a few more safe jokes here and there to incite a few smiles. Everyone will feel better because of your efforts.
A good laugh will do wonders for you as smiling and laughing lowers your stress levels, wins you a friendly reputation, and helps your usually tense co-workers and bosses to relax.
Humour on the job will do a lot for your career, but there are a number of things you need to know about laughter and humour in the place of work.
Feeling good and having humour in our lives can do wonders for our position and productivity, which means that there is definitely a place for some humour on the job. Having a smiling face will help your co-workers and supervisors feel better being around you, and you may well end up reaping rewards by laughing more in the workplace. But you need to know how to apply humour in your work environment.
Laughing has been proven to be a huge stress reliever, letting you feel better and becoming more productive. To be able to loosen up and have some fun is great, so why not take that approach to work each day and lighten up around the work place? Smiling can make your job easier, more than ever if you work in customer service or sales. But there's certainly a right and incorrect way to use humour in the workplace.
One of the main rules with humour in the workplace is to avoid controversy when you are joking on the job. Stay well away from joking about political affairs, race and religion.
Sex is another unsafe topic because of sexual harassment in the workplace. Make sure that you stay well within the lines of decency.
Never make fun at other people within your organization, as you are trying to win friends with the people you work with, and not set against them. If you can't help yourself, please be extremely careful.
Poking fun at the work you do or the industry you work in is a good way to earn some smiles from your co-workers and supervisors. While these types of workplace jokes may not be so funny at home or with friends, as they really don't appreciate the pressures of your employment, the people who are around you in your job will definitely appreciate the humour about their frustrations and will be able to laugh over the situations instead of complaining.
Making jokes about the ups and downs of your trade is a safe way to add wit to the place of work. You will have the benefit of knowing precisely what your co-workers have to face each and every day, and it's much better as it helps to let go of tensions and lower stress levels by getting them to chuckle about the situations they come across frequently.
The very best time for some humour is when you are not working, but still in the region of the people you work with, such as a coffee or lunch break. You can also make an effort to be funny on the job, but when you are working, it's a good idea to use jokes much more thinly than you would normally do.
In general, humour in the workplace is a superb area to flex your creative muscles and give your job a little boost.
Humour in the workplace helps stress levels to drop, and your co-workers will feel better about working with you. Start gradually, and add a few more safe jokes here and there to incite a few smiles. Everyone will feel better because of your efforts.
Music Biz Ails; Columbia Hires Canary As Consultant
by: Tom Attea
The music business has found the answer to its mounting ails, which all the iPod world knows: album sales being replaced by singles downloads, Tower Records closing, and Borders apparently not having a clue about what music to stock.
But now there seems to be hope on the horizon. Columbia Records is trying a radical new experiment. The record giant and a principle perpetrator of musical nonsense on an overly obliging public has retained a canary, much as songbirds have been employed to detect, by passing out, the presence of poison gas.
The job of the tuneful bird is to provide the executives in the A & R department with a reality check as to what a good song is.
Here’s the new protocol. First the staff listens to a new track. If they think it has potential, they play it for the tweety bird. If it starts to sing along, they can present the ditty to management for probable release.
On the other hand, if the canary just stares in silence or falls off its perch, the track is to be considered not music.
Rumor has it that the music business may be remade toward a new melodiousness. So far the hipsters in pop and rap at Columbia’s A & R department have played over a hundred selects for the canary. Yet they have not managed to play even one that has inspired the bird to sing along.
Since the canary is nature’s own expert on song, there’s just no way to get around the fact that the singing creature is the ideal arbiter of tuneful music.
Of course, A & R has grown somewhat impatient with the rigorous new standard, but management cannot afford to relent.
In fact, the chairman of Columbia has posted a sign in the A & R department that says, “If going into the woods to listen to birdsong was good enough for Beethoven, it’s good enough for us.”
So the A & R staffers, much to their reluctant tutelage, find themselves with only one choice: Listen to that bird.
The music business has found the answer to its mounting ails, which all the iPod world knows: album sales being replaced by singles downloads, Tower Records closing, and Borders apparently not having a clue about what music to stock.
But now there seems to be hope on the horizon. Columbia Records is trying a radical new experiment. The record giant and a principle perpetrator of musical nonsense on an overly obliging public has retained a canary, much as songbirds have been employed to detect, by passing out, the presence of poison gas.
The job of the tuneful bird is to provide the executives in the A & R department with a reality check as to what a good song is.
Here’s the new protocol. First the staff listens to a new track. If they think it has potential, they play it for the tweety bird. If it starts to sing along, they can present the ditty to management for probable release.
On the other hand, if the canary just stares in silence or falls off its perch, the track is to be considered not music.
Rumor has it that the music business may be remade toward a new melodiousness. So far the hipsters in pop and rap at Columbia’s A & R department have played over a hundred selects for the canary. Yet they have not managed to play even one that has inspired the bird to sing along.
Since the canary is nature’s own expert on song, there’s just no way to get around the fact that the singing creature is the ideal arbiter of tuneful music.
Of course, A & R has grown somewhat impatient with the rigorous new standard, but management cannot afford to relent.
In fact, the chairman of Columbia has posted a sign in the A & R department that says, “If going into the woods to listen to birdsong was good enough for Beethoven, it’s good enough for us.”
So the A & R staffers, much to their reluctant tutelage, find themselves with only one choice: Listen to that bird.
Mahmoud And The Talking Camel
by: Tom Attea
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the feisty and foolish President of Iran, was coming back from one of his frequent addresses to students, who always agree with him 100%, when a camel walked out onto the road his limo was zipping along.
“Look, a camel,” called his perceptive driver, slamming on the brakes.
“Just give him a minute,” Mahmoud observed sagely, “and I’m sure he’ll cross the road to get to the other side.”
“Why?” the bodyguard next to the driver asked, inadvertently poking himself in the eye with his AK-47.
“To get a drink of water,” witty Mahmoud suggested.
“Ha,” chuckled the driver and the bodyguard, making up, through their feigned camaraderie, the usual “Ha, ha.”
But, instead of behaving as projected, the camel ambled up to the limo and looked in at Mahmoud. Then, quite to the Mayor-turned-President’s surprise, it began to move its lips as if it was speaking in Farsi.
Ever the obliging pawn of the ruling mullahs, Mahmoud rolled down his window, and asked, “Can I help you?”
“Yez, Prez,” the camel replied, with a curious accent that seemed to be due to its rubbery lips.
Astonished, Mahmoud exclaimed, “How can a camel talk?”
“It’z a zpecial gift from Allah.”
“Really?” the President pondered.
“Yez. There I waz, zleeping by a watering hole last night, when Allah appeared on my back, and zaid, ‘I have a problem.’
“I didn’t know what to say,” the camel went on, “because I didn’t know how to talk.
"Then Allah zaid, ‘Let’z talk.’
“And, suddenly, I knew how.
"So I zaid, ‘Thankz, what’s up?’
“Allah sighed, and told me, ‘Try az I might, I can’t find a zsingle Iranian with the courage to have an honest talk with Mahmoud. Zo I’ve decided to give you the azzignment.’”
“A lowly camel, appearing on behalf of Allah?” Mahmoud questioned.
“No, a camel chozen by Allah,” came the wise reply. “Zo I zaid to Allah, ‘How can I help?’”
“And what did Allah say?” Mahmoud half scoffed.
The camel glanced at the bodyguard with the AK-47 and trembled with fear.
“Relax,” Mahmoud told him. “He won’t shoot. I promise.”
“Thankz,” the camel replied.
“So what did Allah tell you?”
“He said, ‘Go to Mahmoud and tell him he has a suicide wish.’”
“A suicide wish?” Ahmadinejad exclaimed, and jumped out of the limo. “Allah told you that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel said. “Not only that, he said you’re acting it out for the whole nation of Iran.”
“Now, why would I do that?” Mahmoud demanded.
“He zaid you mizinterpreted the Koran.”
“I did?”
“Yez, he said that you think after you die you’ll go to Paradize az a martyr and have a zubliminal wish to go there. But he zaid you forgot that he created you so you would live before you die. In fact, he created the whole univerze so you could live before you die. So ending your life by choice defeatz his primary purpose. Naturally, he’z upzet. Very upzet.”
“But how am I trying to commit suicide?”
“He zaid with your polizy of nuclear development.”
The bodyguard knew any negative talk about the Iranian centrifuge subterfuge would anger Mahmoud, who had somehow conflated the prestige of Iran with his, along with his superintending mullahs’, nuke-a-duke policy. So he hefted his principal means of communication, the AK-47, and asked, “Want me to silence him? I can do it without admitting it.”
“No,” Mahmoud replied insightfully. “A camel who can talk should not be shot.”
The camel did not take the bodyguard’s suggestion in stride, and uttered, “Uh-oh.” Then it turned to trot away.
“Come back here and tell me what else Allah said,” Mahmoud commanded him.
The camel stopped but only to call back, “He zaid you know you’re involved in a gamble you can’t win.”
“He said that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel dared to affirm, and glanced at the bodyguard. “Don’t zhoot or I’ll zhut up.”
“He won’t,” Mahmoud assured the spooked camel, and turned to the bodyguard. “He may be a camel, but he’s a messenger of Allah. So no gunplay.” Then he looked back at the eloquent dromedary. “Did he say why I can’t win?”
“Yez, he zaid that the closer you get to succezz, the more other nationz will want to ztop you.” The camel swallowed hard and blurted out. “They will bomb you before they let you have a bomb.”
“He zaid that?” Mahmoud asked, and then, realizing he had just slipped into the curious accent of the camel, corrected himself. “I mean, he said that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel confirmed. “Not only zhat, he zaid you’re telling the other countriez you’re only doing it for a reazon that izn’t credible, because Iran haz plenty of oil, so it doesn't need nuclear power for energy.”
“Anything else?” Mahmoud asked, grinding his teeth a bit.
“The most important zing: He told me to tell you to ztop.”
“Or?”
The camel swallowed hard, and then said, “I’m supposed to go from one city to the next and tell people to stop you, so they don’t have to die with you.”
The bodyguard waved his AK-47 in the sun.
The camel noticed it, and said, “Zo, quick! What’s your decision?”
“My decision is, you must be a mirage. Whoever heard of a talking camel – especially one who claims to be a messenger from Allah?”
“I think you’re right, boss,” the bodyguard called, and wiggled his rifle. “Want me to give it the hole-in-the-head test?”
Ahmadinejad took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead, considering the possibility. Then he said, “Why waste bullets on a mirage?”
Getting back into the limo, he huffed skeptically, “Drive on. And don’t either one of you tell anybody I was talking to a camel.”
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the feisty and foolish President of Iran, was coming back from one of his frequent addresses to students, who always agree with him 100%, when a camel walked out onto the road his limo was zipping along.
“Look, a camel,” called his perceptive driver, slamming on the brakes.
“Just give him a minute,” Mahmoud observed sagely, “and I’m sure he’ll cross the road to get to the other side.”
“Why?” the bodyguard next to the driver asked, inadvertently poking himself in the eye with his AK-47.
“To get a drink of water,” witty Mahmoud suggested.
“Ha,” chuckled the driver and the bodyguard, making up, through their feigned camaraderie, the usual “Ha, ha.”
But, instead of behaving as projected, the camel ambled up to the limo and looked in at Mahmoud. Then, quite to the Mayor-turned-President’s surprise, it began to move its lips as if it was speaking in Farsi.
Ever the obliging pawn of the ruling mullahs, Mahmoud rolled down his window, and asked, “Can I help you?”
“Yez, Prez,” the camel replied, with a curious accent that seemed to be due to its rubbery lips.
Astonished, Mahmoud exclaimed, “How can a camel talk?”
“It’z a zpecial gift from Allah.”
“Really?” the President pondered.
“Yez. There I waz, zleeping by a watering hole last night, when Allah appeared on my back, and zaid, ‘I have a problem.’
“I didn’t know what to say,” the camel went on, “because I didn’t know how to talk.
"Then Allah zaid, ‘Let’z talk.’
“And, suddenly, I knew how.
"So I zaid, ‘Thankz, what’s up?’
“Allah sighed, and told me, ‘Try az I might, I can’t find a zsingle Iranian with the courage to have an honest talk with Mahmoud. Zo I’ve decided to give you the azzignment.’”
“A lowly camel, appearing on behalf of Allah?” Mahmoud questioned.
“No, a camel chozen by Allah,” came the wise reply. “Zo I zaid to Allah, ‘How can I help?’”
“And what did Allah say?” Mahmoud half scoffed.
The camel glanced at the bodyguard with the AK-47 and trembled with fear.
“Relax,” Mahmoud told him. “He won’t shoot. I promise.”
“Thankz,” the camel replied.
“So what did Allah tell you?”
“He said, ‘Go to Mahmoud and tell him he has a suicide wish.’”
“A suicide wish?” Ahmadinejad exclaimed, and jumped out of the limo. “Allah told you that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel said. “Not only that, he said you’re acting it out for the whole nation of Iran.”
“Now, why would I do that?” Mahmoud demanded.
“He zaid you mizinterpreted the Koran.”
“I did?”
“Yez, he said that you think after you die you’ll go to Paradize az a martyr and have a zubliminal wish to go there. But he zaid you forgot that he created you so you would live before you die. In fact, he created the whole univerze so you could live before you die. So ending your life by choice defeatz his primary purpose. Naturally, he’z upzet. Very upzet.”
“But how am I trying to commit suicide?”
“He zaid with your polizy of nuclear development.”
The bodyguard knew any negative talk about the Iranian centrifuge subterfuge would anger Mahmoud, who had somehow conflated the prestige of Iran with his, along with his superintending mullahs’, nuke-a-duke policy. So he hefted his principal means of communication, the AK-47, and asked, “Want me to silence him? I can do it without admitting it.”
“No,” Mahmoud replied insightfully. “A camel who can talk should not be shot.”
The camel did not take the bodyguard’s suggestion in stride, and uttered, “Uh-oh.” Then it turned to trot away.
“Come back here and tell me what else Allah said,” Mahmoud commanded him.
The camel stopped but only to call back, “He zaid you know you’re involved in a gamble you can’t win.”
“He said that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel dared to affirm, and glanced at the bodyguard. “Don’t zhoot or I’ll zhut up.”
“He won’t,” Mahmoud assured the spooked camel, and turned to the bodyguard. “He may be a camel, but he’s a messenger of Allah. So no gunplay.” Then he looked back at the eloquent dromedary. “Did he say why I can’t win?”
“Yez, he zaid that the closer you get to succezz, the more other nationz will want to ztop you.” The camel swallowed hard and blurted out. “They will bomb you before they let you have a bomb.”
“He zaid that?” Mahmoud asked, and then, realizing he had just slipped into the curious accent of the camel, corrected himself. “I mean, he said that?”
“Yez, he did,” the camel confirmed. “Not only zhat, he zaid you’re telling the other countriez you’re only doing it for a reazon that izn’t credible, because Iran haz plenty of oil, so it doesn't need nuclear power for energy.”
“Anything else?” Mahmoud asked, grinding his teeth a bit.
“The most important zing: He told me to tell you to ztop.”
“Or?”
The camel swallowed hard, and then said, “I’m supposed to go from one city to the next and tell people to stop you, so they don’t have to die with you.”
The bodyguard waved his AK-47 in the sun.
The camel noticed it, and said, “Zo, quick! What’s your decision?”
“My decision is, you must be a mirage. Whoever heard of a talking camel – especially one who claims to be a messenger from Allah?”
“I think you’re right, boss,” the bodyguard called, and wiggled his rifle. “Want me to give it the hole-in-the-head test?”
Ahmadinejad took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead, considering the possibility. Then he said, “Why waste bullets on a mirage?”
Getting back into the limo, he huffed skeptically, “Drive on. And don’t either one of you tell anybody I was talking to a camel.”
Great Wall Of China To Be Repaired With Lead-Tainted Toys
by: Tom Attea
Remember the lifelong anxiety you’ve experienced, worrying about the crumbling of The Great Wall of China? Fret no more.
Now, humanity longest tribute to war-wrought paranoia will be on the mend. It seems the enterprising communist nation has an abundant new supply of materials to rebuild it with: The millions of lead-loaded toys, bibs and other children’s paraphernalia its cheapo manufacturers shipped off to Mattel and other toy makers, appalling mothers by the millions.
But, as Confucius say, “Toys made with lead paint eventually return to factory.”
Or, in a more contemporary vein, "From China with lead" is turning into "Back at you from America."
Even as you read this, the varicolored plastic remedy is tending its way toward its eternal destiny, as ships laden with returned Barbie Dolls, Mattel Cars, painted bibs and other infant delights steam toward their disgraced land of origin.
Of course, given the way rocks cobbled together have a way of returning to their place of origin, especially with the steady help of enthusiastic vandals, the ancient enormity has been falling apart almost since it was begun. In fact, today less than half of its 4,000 mile stretch still rises above elevation zero.
And Mao, economic moron that he was, didn’t help the matter. He was unable to envision the stone wonder of the world as anything other than a dispensable feudal curiosity, let alone a hot tourist attraction that could help prop up his decrepit state. So great swaths of it were pulled down and transformed into functional accoutrements of his workers paradise, such as dams, roads, and stone huts.
But now the new communist elite are in receipt of more than enough resilient material to restore the entire length of it.
Redone as a sort of land fill from toy land, the reconstructed immensity will, to the delight of state capitalists everywhere, become a greater wonder for tourists than ever. Imagine the colorful come-visit look of its renewed grandeur, compacted with a rainbow of plastic toys, out of which odd appendages and bumpers poke.
Should such an original method of rebuilding the wall ever become an architectural reality and surefire outrage, what might have become The Great Fall of China may be elevated to an enlarged source of latter-day Chinese prosperity.
Remember the lifelong anxiety you’ve experienced, worrying about the crumbling of The Great Wall of China? Fret no more.
Now, humanity longest tribute to war-wrought paranoia will be on the mend. It seems the enterprising communist nation has an abundant new supply of materials to rebuild it with: The millions of lead-loaded toys, bibs and other children’s paraphernalia its cheapo manufacturers shipped off to Mattel and other toy makers, appalling mothers by the millions.
But, as Confucius say, “Toys made with lead paint eventually return to factory.”
Or, in a more contemporary vein, "From China with lead" is turning into "Back at you from America."
Even as you read this, the varicolored plastic remedy is tending its way toward its eternal destiny, as ships laden with returned Barbie Dolls, Mattel Cars, painted bibs and other infant delights steam toward their disgraced land of origin.
Of course, given the way rocks cobbled together have a way of returning to their place of origin, especially with the steady help of enthusiastic vandals, the ancient enormity has been falling apart almost since it was begun. In fact, today less than half of its 4,000 mile stretch still rises above elevation zero.
And Mao, economic moron that he was, didn’t help the matter. He was unable to envision the stone wonder of the world as anything other than a dispensable feudal curiosity, let alone a hot tourist attraction that could help prop up his decrepit state. So great swaths of it were pulled down and transformed into functional accoutrements of his workers paradise, such as dams, roads, and stone huts.
But now the new communist elite are in receipt of more than enough resilient material to restore the entire length of it.
Redone as a sort of land fill from toy land, the reconstructed immensity will, to the delight of state capitalists everywhere, become a greater wonder for tourists than ever. Imagine the colorful come-visit look of its renewed grandeur, compacted with a rainbow of plastic toys, out of which odd appendages and bumpers poke.
Should such an original method of rebuilding the wall ever become an architectural reality and surefire outrage, what might have become The Great Fall of China may be elevated to an enlarged source of latter-day Chinese prosperity.
Enjoy These Useless Facts And Fun Trivia Questions And Answers
by: Deanna Mascle
Question: Which is stronger -- concrete or bone?
Answer: Bone
Useless Fact: Human bones can actually resist 40 times more stress than concrete. Don't believe it is true? Then picture a piece of concrete the size of a bone and imagine how easily it would break.
Question: What bird lays its egg in another bird's nest?
Answer: Cuckoo, Cowbird, Whyda, Honeyguide and Black-headed Duck
Useless Fact: These birds, called brood parasites, lay their eggs in another bird's nest and let the other bird parents feed and raise their chicks. The "egg abandoner" is then free to mate again and lay more eggs in another nest. The cuckoo is the best known brood parasite and an expert in the art of cruel deception. Its strategy involves stealth, surprise and speed. The mother removes one egg laid by the host mother, lays her own and flies off with the host egg in her bill. The whole process takes barely ten seconds. Cuckoos parasitize the nests of a large variety of bird species and carefully mimic the colour and pattern of their own eggs to match that of their hosts. Each female cuckoo specializes on one particular host species. How the cuckoo manages to lay eggs to imitate each host's eggs so accurately is one of nature's main mysteries.
Question: What is the largest invertebrate?
Answer: Colossal Squid
Useless Fact: A species of squid reported to be significantly larger than the giant squid, is called the Colossal squid, officially named Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni. In February 2007 a live colossal squid was brought to the surface in Antarctic waters by a New Zealand fishing boat. This enormous squid, which was determined to be a male of the species, was 10 meters (32.8 feet), and weighed 450 kilograms (992 pounds), making it the largest squid (the largest invertebrate) ever captured. What is even more astonishing is that, from what scientists know about squid species in general, there is great sexual dimorphism in squids, with females being significantly larger than the males. If that holds true for the Colossal squid, this male specimen that was captured could very well be dwarfed by a much larger female of the species.
Question: What does the first letter of a radio station's call sign mean?
Answer: The location of the station
Useless Fact: Generally, in the United States, call signs begin with K west of the Mississippi River, and W to the east.
Question: Where was the first McD0nald's located?
Answer: Arcada, California
Useless Fact: Brothers Dick and Mac McDonald open a hot dog stand called the Airdome in Arcadia, California. In 1940, the brothers move to San Bernardino, California, on Route 66. After noting that almost all of their profits came from hamburgers, the brothers close down the restaurant for several months in 1948 to implement their innovative "Speedee Service System", a streamlined assembly line for hamburgers.
Question: What is the largest insect?
Answer: Acteon Beetle or Longhorn Beetle
Useless Fact: There are different ways of measuring the size of an insect, most people would consider the largest insect to be the bulkiest and in that case the largest insect is the Acteaeom Beetle from South America. The male beetles can be 9cms long by 5cms wide by 4cms thick. If you want to measure largest by overall size, check out the South American Longhorn Beetle (Titanus giganteus) these giants can be over 16cms in body length (not including antennae) One other beetle, Dynastes hercules is also well known for reaching 16cms in length though it is not nearly as heavy. The longest insect in the world is the Stick-Insect (Pharnacia serritypes), the females of which can be over 36cm long.
Question: Which is stronger -- concrete or bone?
Answer: Bone
Useless Fact: Human bones can actually resist 40 times more stress than concrete. Don't believe it is true? Then picture a piece of concrete the size of a bone and imagine how easily it would break.
Question: What bird lays its egg in another bird's nest?
Answer: Cuckoo, Cowbird, Whyda, Honeyguide and Black-headed Duck
Useless Fact: These birds, called brood parasites, lay their eggs in another bird's nest and let the other bird parents feed and raise their chicks. The "egg abandoner" is then free to mate again and lay more eggs in another nest. The cuckoo is the best known brood parasite and an expert in the art of cruel deception. Its strategy involves stealth, surprise and speed. The mother removes one egg laid by the host mother, lays her own and flies off with the host egg in her bill. The whole process takes barely ten seconds. Cuckoos parasitize the nests of a large variety of bird species and carefully mimic the colour and pattern of their own eggs to match that of their hosts. Each female cuckoo specializes on one particular host species. How the cuckoo manages to lay eggs to imitate each host's eggs so accurately is one of nature's main mysteries.
Question: What is the largest invertebrate?
Answer: Colossal Squid
Useless Fact: A species of squid reported to be significantly larger than the giant squid, is called the Colossal squid, officially named Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni. In February 2007 a live colossal squid was brought to the surface in Antarctic waters by a New Zealand fishing boat. This enormous squid, which was determined to be a male of the species, was 10 meters (32.8 feet), and weighed 450 kilograms (992 pounds), making it the largest squid (the largest invertebrate) ever captured. What is even more astonishing is that, from what scientists know about squid species in general, there is great sexual dimorphism in squids, with females being significantly larger than the males. If that holds true for the Colossal squid, this male specimen that was captured could very well be dwarfed by a much larger female of the species.
Question: What does the first letter of a radio station's call sign mean?
Answer: The location of the station
Useless Fact: Generally, in the United States, call signs begin with K west of the Mississippi River, and W to the east.
Question: Where was the first McD0nald's located?
Answer: Arcada, California
Useless Fact: Brothers Dick and Mac McDonald open a hot dog stand called the Airdome in Arcadia, California. In 1940, the brothers move to San Bernardino, California, on Route 66. After noting that almost all of their profits came from hamburgers, the brothers close down the restaurant for several months in 1948 to implement their innovative "Speedee Service System", a streamlined assembly line for hamburgers.
Question: What is the largest insect?
Answer: Acteon Beetle or Longhorn Beetle
Useless Fact: There are different ways of measuring the size of an insect, most people would consider the largest insect to be the bulkiest and in that case the largest insect is the Acteaeom Beetle from South America. The male beetles can be 9cms long by 5cms wide by 4cms thick. If you want to measure largest by overall size, check out the South American Longhorn Beetle (Titanus giganteus) these giants can be over 16cms in body length (not including antennae) One other beetle, Dynastes hercules is also well known for reaching 16cms in length though it is not nearly as heavy. The longest insect in the world is the Stick-Insect (Pharnacia serritypes), the females of which can be over 36cm long.
Find a Reason to Smile More with Fun Sites
by: Diana Daniels
Are we losing out the fun from our lives? Is the mad rat race squeezing out the humor from our lives? Humor is the all essential ingredient for leading a healthy, positive life.The monotony of existence, the same old routine of everyday-sprinkle humor onto it and the drudgery of life becomes more bearable. When we are hanging out with friends and having a good laugh, for those few precious moments we are able to leave behind all the worries, pains, and pressures of existence. So what do you do when you are badly in need of a good laugh? As it is the medium we turn to for almost everything, the answer here is again the internet. And the internet has plenty of sites that will bring an instant smile to your faces. Fun sites, as they are categorized as, are a treasure trove of humor videos, pictures, games, puzzles, riddles and tons more, that will entertain you and captivate you.
Once hooked on to these sites, you would not even realize how time will fly. It is like hanging out with your buddies again, laughing, enjoying and having fun. There is so much to choose from at these sites, from funny videos to music to games and more. Once you find yourself in the world of fun sites it is hard to let go. These sites have a legion of dedicated fans that are growing everyday. Sensing their popularity among net users, there are now tons of fun sites available and more are being added every day.
Fun sites not only provide hours of amusement for you, they are also a forum where you can meet and interact with other fans of such fun sites. Upload your funny videos and share it with other users or challenge them to a game and you will no longer feel starved for fun company.
Fun sites not only provide entertainment but can be educational too. There are a number of fun sites available for children that make learning fun, through games, puzzles etc. Do you need your daily dose of entertainment news? Well fun sites cater to that too. All that you need to drive the blues away, you will find at these fun sites.
As they say it costs nothing to smile, but it will brighten up your day, so smile more and spread the joy around.Fun sites give you the opportunity to bring the humor back to your lives and more and more people are turning to these sites to get their daily dose of fun. You can jump on the bandwagon too and enjoy the joyride -that is fun sites.
Are we losing out the fun from our lives? Is the mad rat race squeezing out the humor from our lives? Humor is the all essential ingredient for leading a healthy, positive life.The monotony of existence, the same old routine of everyday-sprinkle humor onto it and the drudgery of life becomes more bearable. When we are hanging out with friends and having a good laugh, for those few precious moments we are able to leave behind all the worries, pains, and pressures of existence. So what do you do when you are badly in need of a good laugh? As it is the medium we turn to for almost everything, the answer here is again the internet. And the internet has plenty of sites that will bring an instant smile to your faces. Fun sites, as they are categorized as, are a treasure trove of humor videos, pictures, games, puzzles, riddles and tons more, that will entertain you and captivate you.
Once hooked on to these sites, you would not even realize how time will fly. It is like hanging out with your buddies again, laughing, enjoying and having fun. There is so much to choose from at these sites, from funny videos to music to games and more. Once you find yourself in the world of fun sites it is hard to let go. These sites have a legion of dedicated fans that are growing everyday. Sensing their popularity among net users, there are now tons of fun sites available and more are being added every day.
Fun sites not only provide hours of amusement for you, they are also a forum where you can meet and interact with other fans of such fun sites. Upload your funny videos and share it with other users or challenge them to a game and you will no longer feel starved for fun company.
Fun sites not only provide entertainment but can be educational too. There are a number of fun sites available for children that make learning fun, through games, puzzles etc. Do you need your daily dose of entertainment news? Well fun sites cater to that too. All that you need to drive the blues away, you will find at these fun sites.
As they say it costs nothing to smile, but it will brighten up your day, so smile more and spread the joy around.Fun sites give you the opportunity to bring the humor back to your lives and more and more people are turning to these sites to get their daily dose of fun. You can jump on the bandwagon too and enjoy the joyride -that is fun sites.
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